As usual, I'm struggling to understand my emotions these days. I know I'm anxious, nothing new there. But I also feel something else rumbling around in my heart, a feeling of disconnect, as if two emotions are tussling with each other. In the shadows of my emotional caverns, I try to make out who these two combatants are.
One is guilt. The other might be fear, but I'm not sure. It might simply be discontent. I am discontented with life right now. I'm also afraid what this present life will produce in 6 months, a year, more.
But I feel guilty. I have no reason to be discontented when I think of the doctors, nurses, respiratory techs, and other medical professionals who are not only putting their lives on the line every day for long shifts. They're also sacrificing family time in a period of crisis and trauma. They're also being traumatized themselves by the amount of death they're watching -- participating in -- daily. Plus there's the terror of knowing it will only exponentially increase.
And I'm discontented? I feel utterly ashamed of that.
But I cannot deny my discontent. Life was just -- just! -- really beginning to bloom for us! For various reasons, we were truly excited about our future and what it seemed God was doing with us. And now, it's all changed, it seems. Were we wrong? What in the world is God doing with us? With everyone? Will we be okay? Two years from now how much will life have changed? Were these last years the best years for us, and we didn't know it? We're all almost certainly headed into a heavy economic recession. Can the country stand that? Will it wreck our lives?
These are honest questions. But in the face of the horrific reports from hospitals across the seas and on our own shores, I feel I have no right to ask them, even inside myself. It feels selfish. So my discontent and my guilt are battling it out, and it makes my stomach hurt.
A friend turned me to Psalm 62 on her blog. When I read it, I recognized a hymn (a rather odd hymn, #666, which hardly anybody ever sings, but we have a somewhat odd hymnal) -- "In Silence My Soul Is Waiting."
"In silence my soul is waiting,
Is waiting for God alone.
Deliverance from Him is coming,
My rescuer, fort, and rock!
In silence my soul is waiting,
Secure, I shall not be moved."
4 comments:
I think I know how you feel. I have a problem with feeling anxious at best of times but these days I struggle to seem positive for my family's sake. Also I panic at the thought of being at home 24/7 for possibly months more! Like you I wonder if the world will ever be the same. Will we be okay? I suppose so. I really hope so.
Wow! That describes a lot of how I'm feeling. Knowing that God is listening when I pray, but then wondering why it keeps getting worse and then feeling guilty for doubting God's power. It's confusing and upsetting. And it seems I'm more emotional now than usual. Tearing up at the drop of a hat. I just want it to be over and know that it won't be for a long time.
The battle is not ours, it is God's. He has already won, but the evil one is doing his best to destroy the faith we believers have. Sometimes our faith is so minuscule we can barely believe. But we must prevail, we must feed our hearts and minds with God's promises. No matter what happens, He's got this, He's got the whole world in His hands. Daily there is a struggle to stay focused and keep believing Truth and not the lies being fed us. Satan want's us totally defeated so that we will not be able to help others, leading them to the Light that is Jesus.
God's continued blessings on you and Adam dear MK. Love, hugs & prayers ~ FlowerLady
I think this is a lot like what professionals say about grief -- there's no one "right" way to go through it. The emotions run the gamut, and my experience is that it's better to just let them ebb and flow without letting them run the show so to speak, or allowing them to make you feel guilty. Painting and gardening are great therapy, and they are creative and life-giving. I'm sorry your plans are being disrupted. I pray that even better things will come out of this.
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