No One Should Feel Small

I'd like to share a snippet of a song from Shakespeare's As You Like It, a song I sang in a choir years ago:

"Blow, blow, thou winter wind,

Blow, blow, thou winter wind.

Thou art not so unkind 

as man's ingratitude.

Freeze, freeze, thou bitter sky,

freeze, freeze, thou bitter sky.

Thy sting is not so sharp

as friend remembered not."

Is there anything more painful than to be treated as if you're insignificant, as if you don't matter, as if you're forgotten? A biting winter storm is better than that feeling.

Recently I had a small experience like this -- someone's action left me feeling "less than" -- not worthy of consideration, neglected, worthy only of indifference. Do you know what I mean? (This is not a request for sympathy -- it wasn't my husband who did this, and since he's my best friend, I'm fine.) But it was very hurtful and painful, as many of you know who've experienced such a thing too.

The experience left me thinking of all the people in the world who live a small life, with people who make them feel small and worthless, every day. How horrible! We have trite cultural sayings we banter around, sayings about smiling at strangers and being randomly kind, and how a kind word can make someone's day. These acts are more important than we realize. A friend recently shared on facebook about speaking kindly to a Red Cross volunteer who had, a few moments before, been raked over the coals by impatient blood donors. My friend tried to alleviate the damage they'd done to the volunteer, making her feel incompetent and worthless. They trashed her day (and her emotions), and left her in tatters on the floor as they stomped out.

We have four dogs. Two have been loved and coddled from puppyhood. A third one was loved, abandoned, but then adopted by us and he is a confident dog. But one -- Baby -- was in a horribly abusive home where she was tazed and kicked and beaten. She was essentially tortured after being adopted from the Pound. We received her (and I'm so thankful we did!) after the abuse. She's done so well, but the damage of those days is still there. I can tell by how she needs to be loved. Every time I go through the pasture gate she runs to greet me. She sits in front of me like a statue, looking up. Every time, she desperately longs for me to cradle her face in my hands, rub her ears, rub my cheek against her cheek, say sweet things to her gently about what a good girl she is. I could do that for an hour, and I don't think it would be enough -- she would never tire of it. She would always need more. The damage of her early days left a bottomless hole of need in her -- an eternal sense of worthlessness that all my love can't seem to fill. It breaks my heart. In the field with her buddy Ned, she's fine - she's a normal, confident farm dog. But with humans she is either defensive (with strangers) or in painful need of love.

Who are the humans around us who've been so damaged they need constant love, validation, nurture, tenderness, patience, and gentleness -- perhaps more than we can ever give? But they still need what we can give? What people have been shunned by society, told repeatedly, "You are worthless; we have forgotten you. We want to forget you"? We know them.

And what friends around us have inner damage as well? Sometimes we are brusque, terse, impatient, dismissive. We don't even think of these as serious offenses, do we? They're just part of functioning in today's rat-race, right? No ... they leave people feeling small and neglected. 

Thoughtlessness. What a grand word! It's a negative trait that results simply from not thinking of someone.  It's possible to train ourselves out of the habit of not thinking of others. We can train ourselves to observe others, to consider their needs, to ask ourselves, "How would I feel in their place?" and then act accordingly. If the person recently who hurt me had simply asked, "What would Mary Kathryn need, in this situation?" it would have made such a difference. But I was not thought of -- often, we simply don't think of people, and therefore we don't hold ourselves responsible for what we never even considered.

Each person we cross paths with, each day, all day, needs whatever kindness that social situation allows -- just a smile? Good. A greeting? Better. A conversation where we acknowledge their needs and express love? Best. I want to do more of this each day.