"Thou Knowest, O Lord"

 Among other things, these last six months have forced many of us to focus on self-care. You know ... self-care? That thing that mothers don't do for decades while they're caring for everyone else? And then they turn 50-something and realize, "Oh, duh. I better do something about myself." Yeah ... that!

You will be glad to know that I finally did something my kids have been telling me to do for years: I got a therapist. 'Tis true, I need somebody to unload on.😁 She's great, about my age, steady and helpful, professional and knowledgeable. I seem to be bubbling up out of the depression that has kept me from being able to do many things I used to love doing. After that I will need to grapple with the real nemesis: anxiety.

I say all this only because I wonder if some  of you also need to do this, and are putting it off, or you tend not to talk about it. But at some point, lack of self-care can produce real problems in life, and you stop functioning. One more stress (in my case, Adam's most recent illness), and it's too much.

One of the first things she told me to do was to start taking care of my own health. I think of myself as a selfish person (basically, aren't we all?), so it's odd to hear that I've been neglecting myself in my caring for others. So ... I scheduled a check up with my primary care, Cindy, a P.A. I wanted referrals to get a mammogram and  a colonoscopy. Cindy's office said I had to come in, to "re-establish patient care," because she hadn't seen me in six years. I went in then because of a horrible bee sting that made my face swell up, remember?

I went to Cindy. I got a flu shot, an EKG, and had 2.5 vials of blood drawn. Got my 2 referrals started. She wants me back after they're done, for a good ol' physical exam. Ugh. The old adage is true: An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. I've watched my mother recover from colon cancer surgery. I want prevention.

All that to say: We are aging. We are anxious. My therapist says women my age know they should be looking at the future and making plans for their financial well-being and other kinds as well, but instead we tend to avert our eyes. We don't want to think of the years of illness, lack of funds, dependency, decline. But that's just a lack of self-care.

We all want security, which is a false hope. Just when you think you've secured your safety, Life can jump up and slap you with ... a pandemic, an accident, an unexpected loss. It's good to plan, to be ready, to do your best. It's not good to be anxious.

I was reminded yesterday of the prophet's words when God asked him the impossible: "Can these bones live?" (Ezekiel 37) He replied to God, "Thou knowest, O Lord." That's a safe answer to life's future unknowns. Thou knowest.

When anxiety over my future jumps up and snatches me by the throat, and I ask, "Will everything be alright?" I'm going to start answering, "Thou knowest, O Lord." It's enough that God knows. It may not cure my anxiety, but it is a solid answer, which is a comfort.